It's the phone call we all make a few weeks before December 25th. "Mom, what can I bring for Christmas dinner? Do you have the tablecloth, or should I grab one?"
For those of us in the "sandwich generation", juggling the magic of Santa for our own kids while caring for our aging parents, the holidays are a beautiful, chaotic mix of love and logistics. But if you live out of town, or even just across Temecula, visiting your parents during the holidays often brings a quiet worry: How are they really doing?
At BrightStar Care of Temecula, we talk to daughters, nieces, and wives every day who say the same thing: "I didn't realize how much Dad was struggling until I stayed at the house for three days over Christmas." Their voices carry both relief (that they finally saw what was happening) and guilt (that they hadn't noticed sooner).
Here's the truth: our aging parents are often masters of the phone call. They tell us "everything is fine," they laugh at our jokes, and they ask about the grandkids. But seeing them in person, watching them move around the kitchen, noticing the piles of unopened mail, that tells a different story.
This holiday season, we want you to breathe easier. We've put together a guide to help you plan a joyful visit and know exactly what to look for, so you can enjoy the eggnog, the carols, and the moments with people you love, without the underlying worry that something is being missed.
Planning for Joy: How to Modify Traditions for Success
We all want the "perfect" Christmas. The one with all the traditions, the elaborate dinner, the late-night movie marathons, the house full of laughter. But as our parents age, "perfect" might need to look a little different to be enjoyable for them. The good news? A modified tradition is still a beautiful tradition.
High energy, loud noises, and late nights can be exhausting for seniors, especially those with early-stage memory loss, mobility issues, or chronic pain. When we push our aging parents beyond their comfort zone (even with the best intentions), they often withdraw or become more anxious, which takes the joy out of the season for everyone.
Timing is Everything: The Case for a Holiday Brunch
Consider moving the big family meal from dinner to brunch. This simple shift can transform the entire experience:
- Better Energy Levels: Seniors often have more energy in the morning and early afternoon. By 5 p.m., many are experiencing "sundowning", a real phenomenon where confusion and fatigue set in as the day ends.
- Safer Driving: If your parents are still driving, daylight travel is exponentially safer. You won't spend the meal worried about them driving home in the dark.
- Better Sleep: An earlier meal means they'll be rested for the next day, and they won't go to bed on a heavy stomach.
- Easier Hosting: If Mom or Dad is still doing the cooking, a brunch is typically less labor-intensive than a full holiday dinner.
If family tradition is deeply tied to the evening dinner, that's okay too. Just be mindful: start earlier than usual, keep it shorter, and build in rest time between courses.
Create a "Quiet Corner" (Because Overstimulation Is Real)
If you have grandkids running around the Christmas tree, excited cousins playing loud games, or the TV blaring football in the background, your aging parent might be overwhelmed, even if they don't say so.
Overstimulation can trigger confusion, anxiety, and fatigue in seniors. They may retreat to their bedroom or become irritable, which gets misinterpreted as them "not being in the Christmas spirit."
Solution: Designate a quiet, comfortable room where Mom or Dad can retreat if needed. Stock it with:
- A comfortable chair with good lighting for reading
- A warm blanket
- A small table with water and some snacks
- Maybe soft, instrumental Christmas music (or silence)
Make it clear to the family that this room is a safe haven, not a sign that Grandpa is "antisocial." Frame it positively: "Grandpa has a special quiet spot to relax when he needs to recharge."
Involve Them Gently: Preserving Purpose Without Stress
One of the hardest transitions for aging parents is losing their "role." If Grandma used to host the whole feast, orchestrating turkeys and timing vegetables, suddenly sitting idle can feel like a loss of identity.
Instead of replacing her entirely, give her one special task that plays to her abilities and preserves her purpose:
- "Mom, would you be the official cookie icer? I need your artistic eye."
- "Dad, I need your expertise folding these napkins the fancy way you taught me."
- "Grandma, you're in charge of the music playlist this year. I want your favorites."
This approach:
- Keeps her engaged and valued
- Prevents the stress of a full cooking load
- Creates a natural way for grandkids to spend one-on-one time with her
- Gives everyone a tangible memory of Grandma being "in charge" of something meaningful
The "Silent Signs" Checklist: What to Look for While You're There
When we chat on the phone, our parents are experts at putting on a brave face. "I'm doing great, honey," they say cheerfully. "Your brother just helped me with the gutters." "The house is fine." But seeing them in person reveals the truth that a weekly phone call never could.
You don't need a medical degree to notice these signs. You just need to observe, with love and without judgment. While you're there, keep a gentle (but observant) eye out for these indicators that your parent might need additional support.
The Refrigerator Test
This is the first thing we tell caregivers to check: open the fridge.
What you're looking for:
- Fresh vegetables, fruits, or proteins?
- Or mostly expired condiments, old takeout boxes, and empty shelves?
If the fridge is sparse or filled with expired items, it signals one (or several) of these issues:
- They're having trouble getting to the grocery store (mobility, transportation, or cognitive issues)
- They've lost their appetite (a common sign of depression or health problems)
- They're forgetting to eat regularly
- Their sense of smell or taste has changed, making food less appealing
- They're struggling with meal planning or food preparation
What to do: Casually ask, "Hey, when was the last time you went to the grocery store?" or "What's your favorite thing to eat these days? I haven't seen much fresh food in here." You're not accusing; you're gathering information with compassion.
The "Furniture Surfing" Pattern: A Major Fall Risk
Watch how your parent moves through the house. Specifically, pay attention to their gait when they're walking from the kitchen to the living room or heading down the hallway.
Red flag: Do they walk freely with normal balance, or are they grabbing the back of the sofa, then the armchair, then the wall to steady themselves as they move? This is what we call "furniture surfing."
What this means:
- Their balance is compromised
- They're at high risk for falls (the #1 cause of injury and hospitalization in seniors)
- They may be experiencing weakness, inner ear issues, neurological changes, or medication side effects
Even if they haven't fallen yet, furniture surfing is a warning sign that a fall could happen at any time. Falls are devastating, a broken hip can mean loss of independence, surgery, and months of recovery.
What to do: Don't make a big deal out of it, but do address it. "Mom, I noticed you were holding onto furniture pretty steady when you walked to the kitchen. Have you noticed that?" This opens a conversation. If she confirms she's been feeling unsteady, it's time to talk about fall prevention and possibly reaching out to her doctor or a professional care provider.
The "Piles" Problem: Signs of Cognitive or Executive Overwhelm
Look around the house. Are there piles of unopened mail on the counter? Bills stacked up? Laundry overflowing from the hamper? Dishes in the sink for days?
This is not about cleanliness or laziness. Executive function, the ability to organize, prioritize, and complete multi-step tasks, is one of the first things to decline with age or cognitive issues.
What this might signal:
- Early cognitive decline or memory loss
- Depression (which saps motivation and energy)
- Physical limitations (arthritis makes it hard to bend and load the dishwasher)
- Overwhelm (they don't know where to start, so they don't start anywhere)
What to do: Again, approach with curiosity, not judgment. "I see some mail piling up, sweetie. Have you been feeling overwhelmed with things around the house?" This gives them space to admit they need help without shame.
Personal Appearance Changes: Bathing and Grooming
Is Mom wearing the same outfit three days in a row? Does her hair look unwashed? Has she stopped wearing her usual makeup or jewelry? Is Dad's beard unkempt, or has he stopped shaving regularly?
These changes can indicate:
- Bathing or grooming have become physically painful or difficult (arthritis, mobility issues, fear of falling in the shower)
- Cognitive decline (they've forgotten or don't understand the importance)
- Depression
- Lack of motivation or will (a sign something deeper is happening emotionally or physically)
Important note: Never shame your parent about this. Instead, think of it as a puzzle piece that, combined with other signs, tells you a story about their wellbeing.
What to do: Offer practical help. "Mom, let's make you a spa day while I'm here. I'll help you wash your hair." Or, "Dad, would you feel safer taking a shower if I was in the bathroom? I can sit right there and chat with you." This removes barriers and preserves dignity.
Unexplained Bruises or Mobility Changes
Has Dad mentioned a fall you didn't hear about? Do you see bruises on Mom's arms or legs? Is she wincing when she sits down?
These could indicate:
- Falls they haven't told you about (seniors often hide falls out of fear of losing independence)
- Medication interactions causing dizziness or confusion
- Vision problems they haven't mentioned
- Balance issues that are worsening
What to do: Ask gently. "I see a bruise here. Did you fall or bump into something?" Listen without judgment. If they downplay it, mention it to their doctor at their next visit.
A Tender Topic: Grief During the Holidays
If this is the first (or even fifth or tenth) Christmas since your parent lost their spouse, the holidays can feel heavy in a way that's hard to explain to people who haven't lived it. Grief doesn't have an expiration date, and the holidays amplify it.
Empty chairs at the table hit differently. The songs they used to sing together play on the radio. The traditions that revolved around both of them suddenly feel lopsided.
If you notice Mom is quiet or withdraws during your visit, don't feel the need to force her into "holiday cheer" or distract her with activities. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is give her space to be sad.
Honor the Loss, Don't Hide It
Instead of pretending the loss didn't happen or trying to make up for the absence:
- Say their name: "I bet Dad would have loved this ham." "Do you remember that Christmas when Dad put lights on the dog?"
- Ask her to share: "Tell me your favorite memory of Christmas with Dad." These conversations are painful, yes. But they're also healing.
- Acknowledge the empty chair: It's okay to say, "I miss him too," or "This holiday feels different without him." You're not making it sadder; you're naming what's already true.
Modify Traditions Without Guilt
If the old traditions feel too painful without their spouse, it's okay to start something new. Maybe instead of the big Christmas Eve dinner, you could go to a movie together. Maybe you spend the morning making his or her favorite recipe, not to replace them, but to feel close to them.
Be Present, Not Perfect
Sometimes, holding their hand on the couch while watching a Christmas movie is better than any gift. Your presence is the gift. Your willingness to sit with their sadness, without trying to "fix" it, is profound.
You Don't Have to Do It Alone
If you notice one or more of these signs during your visit, or even if something just feels off, but you can't quite put your finger on it, please don't panic. It doesn't necessarily mean your parent has to leave their home. It might just mean they need a little extra support to stay safe and independent.
That is exactly what we do at BrightStar Care of Temecula.
We believe in a higher standard of care. Whether it's a caregiver coming in a few mornings a week to help with bathing and breakfast, medication management to ensure your parent stays healthy, or companionship to help combat loneliness, we're here to be your local partner.
Our team has been serving the Temecula and Lake Elsinore communities for over 20 years with nurse-led care that's personalized, compassionate, and focused on helping your loved one live their best life at home.
What We Can Help With
- Personal Care: Bathing, grooming, dressing, and toileting assistance
- Medication Management: Ensuring medications are taken on time and correctly
- Companionship: Reducing loneliness and providing emotional support
- Light Housekeeping: Meal prep, laundry, and tidying
- Mobility Assistance: Help with walking, transfers, and fall prevention
- Memory Care: Specialized support for those with dementia or Alzheimer's
- Respite Care: Short-term care so family caregivers can take a break
Ready for Peace of Mind?
If you're concerned about what you observed during your holiday visit, let's chat. We offer a Free Home Safety Assessment, no obligation. We can meet your parent, tour the home, and give you an honest, professional opinion on how to keep them safe and independent while they age in place.
There's no need to handle this alone. We see you. We understand the weight of loving someone who is aging. And we're ready to help.
Call us today at (951) 999-9555 or visit us online at BrightStar Care of Temecula/Lake Elsinore
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We serve Temecula, Murrieta, Wildomar, Lake Elsinore, French Valley, Winchester, and Terra Cotta. If you don't see your city listed, reach out. We may be able to accommodate your location.
Available 24/7 to answer your questions and get you started on the path to peace of mind.
A Higher Standard. Right Here in Your Community.
BrightStar Care of Temecula / Lake Elsinore is locally owned and dedicated to empowering people to live their best lives.